Wolfsbane

[amuly]

Title: Wolfsbane
Pairing: Sirius/Remus
Word Count: 1,681
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Sirius spends his first full moon with Remus when he’s on the Wolfsbane potion.
Warnings: small amounts of angst
A/N: I’m on such a maudlin streak right now; I don’t know what it is! And IRL I’m doing pretty well, too. Maybe I’m happy right now, so I can deal with maudlin in fics? Who knows. Anyway, hope you enjoy the little fic.

            Sirius shifted from foot to foot. He really shouldn’t be this nervous. Remus had been doing this for almost two years now: taking the potion, having relatively safe transformations. Still, this was the first time Sirius would be around to see it. And he was nervous – beyond nervous; he was terrified.

            “Sirius?” Remus entered the room holding two cups of tea. “Are you alright?”

            Sirius wiped at his forehead with one hand: it came away soaked. “I…are you?”

            There was a pause, and then Remus was smiling, setting the cups down on an end table. He walked slowly over and enveloped both of Sirius’ hands with his. “It’s going to be fine. You can start out as Padfoot, if you like.” Remus brought Sirius’ hands to his mouth and nipped gently at the fingers.

            Sirius’ heart clenched at the reassuring gesture. “It’s just…I mean, I’m used to seeing you…”

            Remus nodded. “I know. It was weird for me at first, too.”

            “I…I think I’ll start off as Padfoot. If that’s alright.” This wasn’t going how Sirius wanted it to go, at all. He wanted to stay human for Remus, to hold him and reassure him. But he couldn’t stop thinking of all the terrible things that could happen, about how Remus would blame himself if anything did.

            Remus passed Sirius his cup of tea. “That’s fine. But I’ll be fine: you’ll see. Snape is an excellent potions’ master.”

            Sirius lipped curled into a snarl. He could see Remus’ expression flicker, as he realized what he had said. “Yeah, well, there’s that, too. I mean, how do we even know he won’t…”

            “Sirius.” Sirius winced. Remus’ expression was hard as he set down his cup. “First of all, Snape is a good man. He wouldn’t do something like that.” The unsaid unlike some hung in the air between them. Sirius wanted to go back in time and knock his sixteen year old self silly, for his betrayal. Not only had it hurt Remus – deeply – and led to so much more distrust and heartache, but it also prevented Sirius from ever getting the upper hand in any argument, ever.  

            “Second of all, there’s a better chance of you or I brewing the potion wrong than there is of Snape becoming a traitor. He’s the only wizard in the world who does it: you should thank him for still brewing it for me, even after…after I left Hogwarts.”

            Sirius winced. Even though he knew Remus didn’t think so, that whole incident was partially his fault. Well, perhaps entirely his fault. And Pettigrew’s, of course. But he still felt guilty, that he got Remus fired from the best job he ever had.

            Remus glanced at his watch, breaking the spell of Sirius’ guilt. “It’s almost time. If you want to change…”

            Acting on impulse, Sirius swept Remus up into a kiss. “I love you.” Remus sagged against him.

            “I know, darling. Change if you want.”

            With one last, long look at his beautiful Remus, Sirius changed into Padfoot. His guilt, fears, and doubts washed away as the dog’s simpler mind took over. Remus headed over to the couch, and Sirius padded along behind him, tail wagging. He remembered – the dog remembered. He was going to get to play with Moony tonight.

             A hand carded through his shaggy hair, and Padfoot’s tail thumped madly on the carpet. He nuzzled the leg in front of him, finally settling on resting his chin on Remus’ knee. Then the change began.

            Padfoot moved back, away from the human-turning-wolf in front of him. It made Padfoot nervous, this part. He whined a little, but waited patiently, sitting back on his haunches. Within a minute it was over. Cautiously Padfoot moved forward, seeking out his playmate. Moony? He whined again.

            Then, there he was! Peering down at him from up on the couch. And he was…he was different. He was calmer, gentler. Normally they’d fight and wrestle and bark and snarl. But this Moony just peered down at him for a moment, before climbing down from the sofa and sitting on the floor, wagging his tail. Moony? Moony wasn’t responding: he just cocked his head, curious.

            He doesn’t know how. It’s Remus in there, not the wolf.

            Padfoot moved forward, sniffing gently. It was definitely Moony, it just…wasn’t, at the same time. As he drew nearer, the wolf pawed at him, whining. He wants you to change back. He’s in control. Still, Padfoot sniffed at the wolf, circling him. He licked at his ears, his muzzle, his stomach. All the time, the wolf waited patiently for him to finish.

            Finally Padfoot sat back, staring at the wolf. It’s Remus. It’s Remus, it’s Remus. Change back. Padfoot backed up a few feet: no sense being too close, in case he needed to suddenly change back. Steeling himself, he transformed.

            And…nothing. The wolf sat there, calm as could be. Sirius pulled on his robe, lying on the floor where it had dropped off him during his change. “Re-Remus?”

            The wolf nodded: slowly, deliberately. And it was just such an odd sight, such a serious thing for a wolf to do, such a Remus thing to do, that Sirius burst out laughing. “Oh, oh Merlin, it’s you, isn’t it love? It’s you in there.”

            The wolf stood up cautiously, holding a paw out. Then Sirius was throwing himself at him, hugging him tight, breathing in the wolf’s scent and burying his face in his silver fur for the first time as a human. Tears started to well up in his eyes, and Sirius couldn’t handle it. He changed back into Padfoot, barking playfully. Now was time for fun; they could worry about the rest later.

            Padfoot bounded around the wolf, barking the whole time. Play play play. Remus seemed to catch on, even without Moony’s instinct guiding him. He barked back, and then the two canines were off, racing around the upper stories of Grimmauld Place.

**

            That morning, Sirius woke up human, wrapped around a human Remus. For a moment he lay there, basking in the early morning light filtering in through the windows. Remus looked beautiful in the sun: the flecks of grey in his hair shining, the rest a brilliant golden-brown. His face was smooth – the most peaceful Sirius had ever seen it the morning after. He reached up and stroked the face with his fingers.

            Then he cried.

            All of the emotions he had put aside the night before, had buried beneath Padfoot’s mind, came bubbling to the surface. He cried for all the lost years between him and Remus; he cried for all the years Remus had to do this alone, without the potion. And he cried for how much better it would be for Remus from here on out: with the potion, with Sirius.

            Partway through his sobbing, Remus woke up. Immediately he pulled Sirius into his arms, and the two men sat on the ground, naked, as Sirius let out everything he had been carrying with him for all these years.

            Sirius came back to himself, slowly but surely. Remus was stroking his hair softly, making soft soothing noises in his ear. “Shh. Siri, it’s alright.”

            Pulling back, Sirius gripped Remus’ face in his hands and started peppering him with kisses: eyes, nose, cheeks, forehead. All the while Remus remained still, allowing Sirius to continue his grieving. “All these years,” Sirius finally whispered. “All these years, and now…you can…”

            He pulled Remus close again, shaking violently. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for the years you didn’t have the potion. I’m sorry I wasn’t there younger, earlier. I’m sorry it’s taken two years out of prison for me to spend a transformation with you. I’m so, so sorry, for everything, my love.”

            Remus’ hand continued its steady stroking on the back of Sirius’ head, smoothing the hair down onto his neck. “None of it’s your fault: none of it’s your burden.”

            Sirius pulled back abruptly. His grey eyes were reddened with tears, and face was wet. Still, his eyes managed to flash with anger. “Yes it is,” he hissed. “It is, when you’re the one I love, and you have to go through this.” He splayed his hand flat over Remus’ heart, feeling the raised scar tissue there. “Anything that hurts you, hurts me.”

            “Come here.” Remus’ voice was gruff as he pulled Sirius to him again. For a long moment the two men sat there, hearts pounding almost painfully against each other through their chests. Finally, Remus pulled back, kissing Sirius gently. “Why not get us breakfast? I’m famished.”

            Remus’ smile brought a tentative grin to Sirius’ face. He brought his hand up to Remus’ cheeks, stroking the pads of his thumbs over Remus’ cheekbones. “I’m so happy for you.”

            “I know.” Remus took one of Sirius’ hands away from his cheek. He nipped at the fingers, and Sirius’ smile became full and genuine. “Now, breakfast. Please?”

            Sirius helped Remus to his feet, noting that even with the potion, Remus’ bones creaked and popped. So it still didn’t ease the trauma to his body of transformation, just prevented the self-inflicted wounds. Sirius filed away this bit of information to examine later. They shuffled over to the bed, Remus stifling a small groan as Sirius eased him onto it. “Do I have to tell you to stay?”

            Remus rolled his eyes. “Can I get up if I need to use the loo?”

            Sirius pretended to consider for a moment. “Alright. But no showering, shaving, or even washing your hands. Toilet, then straight back to bed.”

            “Yes, mum.”

            Sirius shuddered. “Ugh, do not call me that.” He leaned down and pecked Remus on the lips. “Don’t want to kill the mood.”

            Remus groaned. “What was all that staying in bed talk, then?”

            “Well, you’d still be in bed.” A grin and a wink, and Sirius dashed out of the room before Remus could reply. He wasn’t about to exert Remus today, but it was fun to tease. Now: Sirius just had to figure out how to cook breakfast.

 

Comments

[amuly.livejournal.com]

Awww thanks! Yeah, it was a bit of a mix: happy, sweet, sad, cute...I dunno what's wrong with my fic-writing emotions right now, but glad you thought it came out alright.