Designated Riddler
May. 12th, 2011 08:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amulyTitle: Designated Riddler
Pairing: Sirius/Remus
Word Count: 1,415
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Sirius and Remus get drunk and wonder how similarly drunken Ravenclaws get into their dorms after a night out. Then, they decide to try it for themselves.
Warnings: none
A/N: Brother and I have had this conversation several times. He was the one who thought of the title (he's got a knack for them, I swear). Also: Still in England!! Eeee!! (Actually, Wales, atm ^.^)
Remus' entire body felt veritably hot, pressed up where it was against every inch of Sirius'. Remus' breath on his ear was hot, his arm around Sirius' waist was hot, his thighs looped over Sirius' were hot. “Sir-us,” Remus slurred, butterbeer-moistened lips tickling Sirius' ear as he spoke. “Sir-us... we should do something.”
Sirius swallowed, trying to adjust Remus' thighs on his lap and relieve some of the pressure against his groin. There was no way either of them was going to make it through effective sexual intercourse in the state they were in, so there was really no point in Sirius getting aroused. Sirius might be a sight better off than Remus, but even so, he wouldn't trust himself to try and shove his cock into a narrow passage and then maintain any semblance of a rhythm. Still, it was hard not to grow aroused with Remus in such close proximity, his smell and heat and skin surrounding Sirius on the couch in the common room.
“What're you thinking?” he finally ventured. Sirius peered down at Remus' face, trying to bring it into focus enough to figure out what sort of mischievous ideas might be rattling around inside Remus' head.
“Dunno... something... hey!” Sirius had to move quickly to keep Remus from falling out of his lap and onto the floor as Remus surged forward, face bright with an idea. “You remember David? Ryan? David Ryan?”
Sirius gritted his teeth. “That Ravenclaw tosser who asked you out last Valentine's Day?”
Remus giggled against Sirius. Personally, Sirius didn't find anything funny about that. They had been going out for two years when that David asked Remus out. Not that anyone besides James and Pete (and probably Lily, that crafty bird) knew that... but still. Remus was his. And the fact that David had tried to mug Remus with his mouth in the asking hadn't helped Sirius' opinion of the boy.
“Yeah, I know. But, listen, listen, listen, Pads!” With every “listen” Remus tugged himself further upright in Sirius' lap, peering eagerly down into his eyes.
“You're not going to suggest a threesome, are you? Because I told you, I'm only willing to go at it with those Prewett twins, and even then I don't like the idea of anyone fucking you but me.”
Again, Remus shook his head viciously, hands clutching to the collar of Sirius' partially- unbuttoned uniform shirt. “No. Before David asked me out, we were chatting, and he said the password to Ravenclaw isn't a password. It's a riddle. And I was thinking...”
Sirius' eyes lit up as his slightly-sloshed brain registered what Remus was getting at. “D'you reckon you could break in? Or me? I bet we could do it, Moony. That's right brilliant!”
Remus laughed, burying his face in Sirius' neck and mouthing wetly at his skin. Sirius shivered and shifted, again trying to stamp out his arousal. He should know better than try and control his penis when Remus was lying so gorgeously bladdered on top of him. Next time he'd remember not to drink as much and just take advantage of his sloppily drunken boyfriend.
“We should try!” Remus' nose was warm where he rubbed it back and forth over Sirius' neck. “We should, Pads. Want to go try? Please?”
Although Sirius was drunk, he hadn't figured himself for that drunk. But Remus' idea sounded absolutely brilliant to him in the moment, and so before he knew it they were sneaking through the Hogwarts' halls, giggling even as they tried to shush each other's giggles.
After an extensive walk Sirius couldn't really remember, due to stolen kisses and gropes and the alcohol still thrumming through his veins, Sirius and Remus found themselves at the base of Ravenclaw tower, staring at a very bored looking door. “Hullo?” Sirius asked the door.
“Which came first: the phoenix or the egg?”
Sirius blinked. Out of the corner of his eye, Sirius saw Remus blink as well. “What?”
“Which came first: the phoenix or the egg?”
Sirius turned to Remus. “I think that's the riddle.”
“We're supposed to answer that?” Remus squeaked. Sirius burst out laughing at the expression on Remus' face: it was the same Peter would get when McGonagall would ask him to do a demonstration for the class in Transfiguration – disbelieving, terrified, and utterly baffled.
“Which came first: the phoenix or the egg?”
Sirius looked helplessly at Remus. “Take a guess?”
“The egg?”
“Incorrect!” The door boomed, then fell silent.
Sirius waited a moment for the door to pose another question, but none was forthcoming. He glanced at Remus, who shrugged. “Excuse me?” Sirius ventured.
“I'm bigger than an elephant but lighter than a feather. What am I?”
Sirius frowned. At least the Fat Lady talked back. This door was like some sort of muggle machine: all impersonal and pure business. He turned to Remus again.
“Erm... don't you have a guess?” Remus pleaded. Sirius shook his head. He was much too drunk to try and figure these odd little puzzles out. A simple spell: sure. A game of exploding snap: why not? But riddles? Sirius couldn't get his fuzzy brain to focus enough to try and solve riddles, of all things.
Remus turned to the door, shrugging helplessly. “The way my head feels right now?”
“Incorrect!” Again, the door fell silent.
With a growl of frustration, Sirius kicked at the door. No response. “Sod this!” Sirius shouted. “How d'you reckon Ravenclaws get in when they're pissed?”
“Maybe they're just smarter than us? They can get in no matter how smashed they are?”
Sirius waved away Remus' suggestion. “That's rubbish. No one's smarter than you, Moony. And I'm top of the class as it is. There's no way the two of us together aren't as smart as a bladdered Ravenclaw.”
“Gryffindors.” Sirius and Remus jumped into each other's arms, heads darting around wildly as they looked for the new male voice. The source was a Ravenclaw boy who had just walked up behind them. His arms were crossed over his chest, foot tapping irritably as he looked down on them with disdain.
In that single word the boy's voice managed to convey exactly the amount of contempt he held their house in. Sirius mustered a vaguely scowly look, or rather, he thought he might have. Perhaps it was just an out of sync blink. In fact, the latter seemed much more likely. The boy continued. “We're Ravenclaws. Don't you think we figured this out ages ago?”
Sirius blinked, slowly turning to Remus. His boyfriend just blinked back, left eye staying closed as he considered the Ravenclaw's question.
“Maybe?” Remus ventured.
Pursing his lips in an almost McGonagall like fashion, the boy continued: “We always have a designated riddler when we go out to the pub. That way, there's always someone who can answer and get us in.”
Sirius' mouth fell into a tight “o” as the boy spoke. That did make a sort of perfectly Ravenclaw amount of sense. Seemed like a waste of a night out for a mate, but still. Made sense.
“Aren't you a prefect, Lupin?”
Remus' eyes lit up as he stared more closely at the boy. “Oh! Trevor! Hey.”
Trevor stared at them a beat more. Remus' eyes widened and he nodded hurriedly.
“Right! Sorry. We'll be on our way.”
Snatching a hand out to grab at Sirius' collar, Remus dragged him away from the Ravenclaw door and down the stairs. They stumbled back to Gryffindor tower together, saying their password with easy relief. When they reached their dormitory, Sirius pulled Remus to his bed and started divesting them of clothing, limbs getting stuck along the way. He grinned into Remus' neck, licking a long stripe there and feeling the way Remus arched up beneath him.
Just as Sirius was thinking maybe they weren't too drunk, he felt Remus go still beneath him. Lifting his head, he found Remus' eyes closed, mouth opened slightly and little snores drifting out. With a sigh Sirius shucked the last of his clothes and pulled the duvet up around them, snuggling into Remus' comatose arms. Maybe the Ravenclaws were onto something: this whole designated something or other sounded like a good idea. And not just for riddles. ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif){kind=small}
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no subject
Date: 2011-05-12 08:34 pm (UTC)I always considered myself to most likely be a Ravenclaw, but I have to admit, the idea of a designated riddler wouldn't have occurred to me. XD
Even though it makes about as much sense as organizing someone who'll stay sober to drive, come to think of it...I loved this. I like how you can tell from the narrative style that they're both hammered. :D
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Date: 2011-05-12 08:40 pm (UTC)Glad you liked it, and the drunken "narrative style" ^.^
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Date: 2011-05-12 10:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-12 08:41 pm (UTC)And you just made me re-think my position in the unlikely matter that I get Sorted into a Hogwarts house. I'm definitely not going to end up in Ravenclaw. Imagine going back to the dorms completely knackered and having to answer a riddle!
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Date: 2011-05-12 08:52 pm (UTC)SO MANY QUESTIONS, JKR. DD:
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Date: 2011-05-12 09:10 pm (UTC)Maybe JKR meant that age doesn't matter when it comes to being smart. Age doesn't necessarily equals wisdom?
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Date: 2011-05-12 11:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-13 07:17 pm (UTC)Obscene amount of retarded references to shit.
Date: 2011-05-12 11:13 pm (UTC)ANYWAY, I should tell you, I should tell you: ALL YOUR WORDS ARE NICE AMULY. I've longed to discover something as true as this is. To fruits! To hand-crafted butterbeers made in local Three Broomsticks. Oh Remus & Sirius, they've had a knack from way back at breaking the rules once they learn the game. Get up! Life's too quick! They know someplace sick where this phoenix will dance in the flames!
Lol, okay, no, but remusly, this was even better than I was hoping it'd be!! I love your drunk Remus. I want more Sirius getting Remus drunk fics please! I'll illustrate it/them. Today 4 U, tomorrow 4 me! Awwwww, and slightly jealous!Sirius is the cutest. I also think it's more plausible and less fangirl that you don't make Ravenclaw simply smarter, and therefore smart enough to do it drunk. I commend you for that.
This is totally being bookmarked now. And I do apologize for the overboard-ness of this comment. ;)
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Re: Obscene amount of retarded references to shit.
Date: 2011-05-13 07:13 pm (UTC)FYI, tomorrow afternoon we're back in London! No Wicked, unfortunately (company fell through... ;__;) BUT. My brother and I ARE on a quest to find the only Police Box (Doctor Who) in London, which we THINK is above the Earl's Court Tube station. MAYBE. So we're trying that ^.^
Okay, and now I'm thinking I need to do a La Vie Boheme-inspired drunken Marauder romp at the Three Broomsticks. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS?!?!?! I just need some plot... last Hogsmeade visit before graduation? Lily and James and Remus and Sirius and Peter and some other random Gryffindors and stuff? Yeah? :DDDD
Re: Obscene amount of retarded references to shit.
Date: 2011-05-13 10:00 pm (UTC)Oh man, I thought you were back on the 15th!! Shit, I have a friend's bday party tomorrow afternoon. Maybe we could meet up for one more drink in the evening??
Re: Obscene amount of retarded references to shit.
Date: 2011-05-13 10:40 pm (UTC)Re: Obscene amount of retarded references to shit.
Date: 2011-05-13 11:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-13 01:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-13 04:00 am (UTC)I love how Remus just kind of fell asleep at the end. Oops? :P
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Date: 2011-05-13 04:35 pm (UTC)Glad you liked!
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Date: 2011-05-13 08:47 am (UTC)and awwww drunk!remus <3 there's not enough of drunk remuses out there! people have a tendency to make him too prissy :(
jealous!sirius was great as well XD
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Date: 2011-05-13 06:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-13 09:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-13 09:25 am (UTC)(P.S. - enjoy Wales and England, great countries if I do say so myself :D Good on you for braving BBC5 ... /endstalker)
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Date: 2011-05-13 07:07 pm (UTC)I'm glad you liked it!
(And I'm enjoying England/Wales/Scotland LIKE NOBODY'S BUSINESS. Currently in Cardiff, hitting up all my Doctor Who/Torchwood spots ^.^)
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Date: 2011-05-13 09:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-13 01:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-13 07:08 pm (UTC)Glad you liked!
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Date: 2011-05-13 09:11 pm (UTC)Oh and while browsing the comments I came across this:
I'm thinking I need to do a La Vie Boheme-inspired drunken Marauder romp at the Three Broomsticks
Please please plese do that! I always think of Marauders whenever I listen to that song lol I don't know why XD
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Date: 2011-05-13 10:38 pm (UTC)Glad you liked this little drunken romp!
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Date: 2011-05-21 12:30 am (UTC)Very nicely written though, I loved the mentions of David Ryan, really fleshes out this world, and the make-out scenes were especially yummy ;). But, oh the humour! :D Silly little Remus falling asleep when he could have had some Sirius kisses and more....
I actually read this last week but then my internet went down....YOU WERE IN WALES?? *falls out of chair* I'm from Wales! :O :D Like, noone comes here! *Skims through comments* OMG you were in Cardiff, I live in Swansea which is less than an hour away!! So close to you, you legendary puppyshipper, you :D :D
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Date: 2011-05-21 04:41 am (UTC)And yes! Totally was in Cardiff! It was freaking exciting because Doctor Who/Torchwood stuff because yes, I am that much of a goofball ^.^
And aw, shucks! Don't call me a "legendary puppyshipper"!! You know, statements like that go straight to my already too-inflated head ~.^
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Date: 2011-05-22 12:13 am (UTC)Lol, yes, Dr Who & Torchood are the ONLY cool things about being from Wales, they film a lot in Swansea & Cardiff and I've actually been lucky enough to happen to see them! :DD
Haha, well you deserve lovely statements like that with how dedicated you are to the ship ^^ So happy to know another loyal Remus/Sirius lover was so close :D